Category Archives: Bloggy Blog Blog

#79 – Random Thoughts And Scenes From My Holiday Family Trip

(This entry was posted to Facebook, and to my blog at PINKessence last night. Even online, I am a “girl on the go” ^_^; )

I’m just going to throw these out without too much of a lead-in, set-up, or anything along those lines. If I try to get elaborate, the core meaning’s going to get lost in a sea of words.

About a week ago, my mom and I set out to visit my sister and her husband, in Phoenix, AZ. We spent about two days driving out, and two days driving back. We had about two and a half days to hang out, exchange gifts, go out to eat, and do some things we liked. (My winning $100 at the horse races at the end of the day was icing on the cake, but that’s not important right now.)

What is important is a series of steps where I’m continually priming the pump for “The Talk,” as in, something along the lines of “Mom… Sis… I have something very important to tell you.”, and probably somewhere in there, “Sis, remember back when I was 14 and you had the idea for me to dress up like a girl for Halloween?” ^_^;

There is the question that maybe, they know, or suspect, but haven’t let on, and they’re just waiting for me to tell them.

Continue reading #79 – Random Thoughts And Scenes From My Holiday Family Trip

#78 – Holiday Present 4: Yes, She Does Video Too…

This was an eventual plan of mine, to get in front of a camera and take video, if nothing else, to prove that I do exist as more than just words and still pictures.

Yes, it’s a webcam, and yes, I don’t quite sound as good I expect to, but the reality is, I’ve only been doing this on a semi-regular basis since April 2010, and hey – Everyone had to start somewhere.

Continue reading #78 – Holiday Present 4: Yes, She Does Video Too…

#73 – One Step Closer To The Truth…

I chimed in a few times to the “Birth Order” blog entry elsewhere on PINKessence, and I’ve heard theories in regards to being born after a miscarriage contributing to making us who we’ve become, or are becoming.

So, earlier tonight, I asked my mother outright, that I felt I was a middle child, since I knew I would have had an older sibling. Technically, I am, and mom regards me as the first born child of two.

However, mother told me, even though it was a tubal miscarriage, wherein my unborn older sibling was only 7-8 weeks old, and the sex wasn’t officially determined (And based off the realization that we all started out female before supposedly receiving the proper hormone wash, in the proper concentration and intervals, that makes most of us male), my sister, who is a bit more spiritually attuned (Perhaps like the real life Allison Dubois, who inspired the “Medium” television series. ^_^; ), felt that I would have had an older sister.

I believe, therefore, my unborn older sister found a way to enter this world — Through me. Perhaps I am who she was supposed to be.

Keep in mind, this is just a theory I have, but it put me a lot more at ease, and seems to explain a lot before me.

I have not asked mother, however, if she was put on DES while she was carrying me. That’s a question I’ll save for another time, perhaps when I’m closer to being ready to tell mom what she probably still knows (That I still dress up as a woman from time to time.), but also why I’m doing it. (Which I’ve never been really able to tell her.)

I have made up my mind earlier today, however – If I end up moving out of California, perhaps in about a year or so, if I can get a job, get my debts paid off, and get a place of my own — I will take steps to get in touch with other TG individuals up there (Why, hello there, Zoe and Sophia! ^_-; ), and also eventually plan to go full-time, at least non-op, if not eventually pre-op.

For now, I’ll remain, as it’s been proposed, and what some people consider themselves as being, “ambigendered.” The boy and the girl are coexisting, and are co-dependent, but someday, the path will be made ready for the girl to take wings and continue the journey started by the boy….

— To be continued, eventually…

#72 – My First TDOR Post

This marks the first year I’ve officially observed Transgender Day Of Remembrance, as I promised myself I’d make it to one event somewhere close to home this year. It’s fitting, because I’m finally coming to terms with the need to express my feminine side, and, well, like it or not, I am part of the “T” in LGBT. It’s a journey that has its perils, if you’re not too careful. Unfortunately, some of us out there have paid a terrible price for simply wanting to live their lives as they wished to do. This is the time to remember those who have been victims of transphobic-related violence and/or hate crimes, but also to remember those of us who are still here are part of a community that’s striving to be thought of as normal, and not deviants, freaks, or fodder for Jerry Springer, or Ticked Off Trannies With Knives, etc.

Anyway, I had an idea, inspired by the Transgender Day Of Remembrance Webcomic Project, to write a fictional story, from the point of view of “What if I were killed because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time?” – Ultimately, I’ve chose to scrap it, but I’ve saved the ending I came up with, for posterity’s sake… I’m ditching it to tell the story of someone I crossed paths with briefly, whom a lot of people in my area of Northern California may have forgotten, but I have not, for he has had some small effect upon me.

Continue reading #72 – My First TDOR Post

#71 – November, And Being More Outgoing…

(Bear with me if this gets into a steam-of-consciousness style – I’m writing this from my Android phone. ^_^; )

So far, this month is shaping up to be moderately busy for me, at least in terms of planning outings where I’m getting dressed up, and going out and meeting others.

Yes, you heard it right – I’m getting out in public more. I still don’t consider myself ready for prime time, but I’m making progress with every successful small step I take.

This most recent Friday night found me in Sacramento’s midtown area, near 20th and K streets. (Sacramento’s main LGBT area – there’s lots of clubs, and a couple of eateries around there.) I met up with Melissa, a member of River City Gems (Sacramento’s crossdresser/transgender support group), for this month’s New Girls’ Night Out, where a girl like her, who’s out in the mainstream, helps out girls like me, who are still a bit shy about getting out in public, by taking them to TG-friendly venues, or even mainstream places, such as shopping at the mall, Sephora, or other places.

The evening started around 7:45 pm, when I arrived at Hamburger Patties, a restaurant and bar in the area. I arrived before Melissa, so, after a one-block walk where I parked my car, I was inside, making myself comfortable at the bar with a diet soda while I was waiting to meet Melissa.

(stay tuned for more on the outing!)

#70 – Halloween Is Everyday (or it should be…)

This entry is adapted from two separate blog posts I wrote on PINKEssence last night (I’m on there as “Julie Anne Morgan” ^_^; )

A friend of mine (one of the First Four whom I came out to back in May of this year) posted this blog entry on his Facebook, detailing a mother’s experience with her five-year old boy wanting to dress up as Daphne from Scooby Doo for Halloween, and her dealing with other parents’ reactions.

http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/

While reading this, I was both happy and sad — Happy, for knowing that this boy had the full support of his mom for his decision, and sadness, for a missed opportunity from my teenage years.

Continue reading #70 – Halloween Is Everyday (or it should be…)

#66 – Yes, Still Alive – Now, Onward: Finally, A Decent Dream…

(Yes, it’s been a while since I did regular posts. I’ve just been doing the usual – Unwinding after River City Sparkle (Don’t worry – The long-promised post of my night, and the following morning – will be on its way soon! Really!), catching up on Lord Of The Rings (Playing the online multiplayer role playing game, as well as re-watching the extended editions of the Peter Jackson film trilogy.), and, of course – Getting back into the job search. Normal broadcasting is resuming, because… Well… This blog is more or less about me chronicling my journey.)

This one is about a dream I had this morning, and frankly, any nights’ sleep where I remember my dreams is a good sleep, indeed…

Continue reading #66 – Yes, Still Alive – Now, Onward: Finally, A Decent Dream…

#65 – Catching Up: River City Sparkle 2010 – My “Thank You” Post

Hopefully I’ll be able to collect my thoughts, and detail my entire weekend here. For now, I give you the post I sent to the River City Gems group on Yahoo! about an hour ago:

“(Be warned – this is a long post. I like to write, as most of you will find out. ^_^; )

I wanted to start off, by expressing my thanks to the staff of the Red Lion Hotel, and, of course, the staff and officers of the River City Gems for making my first time out (At a Gems event, or in public, for that matter), something very special to me, something that I will remember every day for the rest of my life.

Yes, I’m the (somewhat shy) new girl who showed up in the little black dress, the long black gloves, managing not to fall while teetering and getting around in 3.5” heels, the one who stood up when they asked any of the girls if it was their first time out, and their first Gems event. Thank you for welcoming and accepting me, for putting on a wonderful night of socializing, entertainment, and fun, and for making me feel welcome.

Continue reading #65 – Catching Up: River City Sparkle 2010 – My “Thank You” Post

#63 – T-Dar… I’m Glad To Know I’m Not The Only One…

Another sign of affirmation that maybe I’m moving down a path I was meant to go… Go check out one of Stana’s most recent posts on Femulate.com.

“T-dar”, or “tranny radar” (or, as I call it. “tranny sense” — As in, “My tranny sense is tingling.” ^_^; ) seems to be somewhat rampant. I’m just glad I’m not the only one who has a rather pesky habit of attempting identifying other trans people when they’re presenting as their ideal selves. It’s a habit I desperately need to curb myself of. I certainly wouldn’t want someone giving me grief if they found me out. (And trust me, it’s not hard. I’m rough on myself, because I just am. I’m not that deluded. I know I have a figure more suited to Mrs. Doubtfire, rather than Anne Hathaway, or Anjelica Huston, for that matter. I would expect to get read near-instantaneously.) I would expect it from someone I knew from my boy-mode side, especially if they were able to place my face with my boy-mode self, despite whatever makeup and wig I put on.

I would truly dread being found out, so I wouldn’t want to do it to anyone, even if my suspicions were true. (Unlike Stana, I have never confronted any suspected trans “sisters”, and I never will.) ^_^;

Maybe I’ll have my moment in the sun over this weekend sometime. I am heading up to Sacramento, CA for River City Sparkle this coming Saturday. Perhaps pictures of me will surface outside of here and my own Flickr. (And of course, PINKEssence.)

Now, if you pardon me, I must finish packing. So much to do, so much to look forward to. It’s almost like I’m a 16-year old girl, looking forward to her first prom. (But then, where is my date? Just don’t assume it’s a he. ^_-; )

#61 – Stumbling In The “Pink Fog…”

First of all, I would like to apologize for the lack of updating as of recent, at least within the last day or two. I’ve been going over some things in my head, for lack of a better term, I’ll call it a “crisis of faith.”

I’ve heard of an expression that’s more or less been adpoted here in the trans community, referred to as the “pink fog” (for girls who want to be boys, it’s known as the “blue fog”) – I think I’ve been in it for quite a bit. I’ve had a bit of a falling out with a friend of mine, in fact, one of the first friends I’ve told about me. He seems to have his reasons why he thinks I dress up. In fact, I get the feeling that he thinks he knows what’s best for me, more than I do.

I felt really terrible on most of the drive home from out of town Saturday night/Sunday morning. I actually considered deleting my entire Flickr account, closing down my blog side, and pulling the plug on my Facebook and Twitter sites – Essentially deleting myself from online. I know that’s an irrational and selfish response, and it wouldn’t benefit anyone, besides myself.

I promised myself I wouldn’t purge, and that goes for virtual purging. I intend to remain an online presence, and hopefully soon, a physical presence, at least beyond my own home or hotel room.

My friend doesn’t care about hearing about what I’m planning to do, feeling that it’s strictly a “fetish”. I’ve resolved never to bring it up in front of him again. One failure, three successes, hopefully.<

I’ve done so much to move forward, in the hopes of learning to love myself, regardless of who I am, that to turn back or “unmake” myself is not possible. The key seems to be achieving some sort balance between both sides of me.

I’m stil moving forward, regardless. Where I end up will determine on where I’m at, and how I feel.

For now, I’m still part-time, and most likely will be for quite some time. It doesn’t make me any less of a person. It doesn’t mean I’m a failure as a man. It means I just have something more than most out there.

Obviously, it won’t help to rush into things. I’ll have more to say about this. I’ve got things to get in motion for the upcoming weekend.