(Post 104 in a continuing series – Stay Tuned, recaps will return, but first, this somewhat serious entry.)
1. Totally exhausted from 2 days’ of 5 hours’ sleep on average, as well as two trips to and from the Bay Area (Friday in San Jose, Saturday in Burlingame.)
2. Bummed out from the double-whammy of not going to YaoiCon as myself (in boy-mode this year.), seeing others dressed up in goth/raver/cyber, crossplay, or other cute attire — As well as finding out that YaoiCon is moving to Los Angeles in 2012.
3. Impending need to get new insurance, in the wake of no more COBRA due to no more previous employer (shut down operations at end of September).
4. The requirements of a clerk job opening with the local police dept. I don’t think I meet up with the requirements. (typing reports – I’ve never had to do that, though I can write. — filing – It’s been half a lifetime since I’ve done anything remotely related — Handling financial transactions – billing, involving, ordering supplies… Again, zero experience in such.) — Mom says apply for it anyway. I don’t believe in setting myself up for failure/rejection. I hate wasted effort, and negative Return On Investment.
5. Sometimes it would be easier just to give up, fall into bankruptcy, and live off the welfare system.
But, there is a black box inside of me that says, “You don’t have to be a victim.” — “Remember: With My Own Hands, I’ll Make My Destiny! – That’s your tagline, your basic belief, your creed, and the one thing that summarizes your belief that you are in control of your own life…”
I wonder if part of the plan for me to relocate out of California with my mom is just another scheme to keep me under her control. I know she loves me, and will always protect me, but she won’t be there forever…
And, every year that goes by, is another year less in my life, and another reminder that more time has passed, and I’ve done nothing significant with my life… The clock is continuing to tick away, tomorrow is never a guarantee, and the world keeps turning.
She’s leaving California – She’s giving up, she wants to be a grandmother – I can’t be a burden to her, my sister, or my father. I love her, and the rest of my family dearly, but I need to get my life together, I need to claw my way up from living paycheck to paycheck, I will most likely have to put some (well, A LOT) of the extra curricular activities in my life on hold while I work to improve my station in life, but hopefully, when all is said and done, I’ll be out on my own (with or without a roommate – HOPEFULLY someone who is okay with living with a guy who wants to be a girl most of the time — Well, as often as she can. ^_^;), self-sufficient, and able to live my life without having to hide.
But, what becomes of the boy, the son, the brother… those who knew him? What answers are there? Is there a bridge to the other side?
The usual remedy – A good night’s sleep to clear the mind, regroup, remember what needs to be done next (it’s always the little things), and get back out there and continue to fight.
I may go away from California in a less than a year, but I WILL NOT forget the friends I’ve made, the people I’ve been in contact with, before, during, and after the introduction of Julie Anne into the world. (The continuing journey from being locked in a closet for about twenty-five years…) – I will find my way back – Perhaps not in Modesto, possibly somewhere in Northern California…
There is time left, and there are oh, so many things to do… I have to get out there and just live… Everything else will fall into place eventually – It has to.