Tag Archives: self-doubt

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#119 – Christmas (I guess it’s the little things, sometimes)

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(Mirrored from Facebook earlier tonight.)

I was asked to describe what kind of rekindled the Christmas Spirit that kind of sputtered and died within me over the past few weeks… Well, sometimes, it’s the little things. (Doesn’t it always seem to be the little things?)

“On The Last Episode of Julie Anne…”
– She’s still out of work, it’s been over two weeks now… Gee, just like 16 years ago, innit?
– Self-doubt about her own abilities, much less being able to keep a job and do the work if she can find another job, yet she doesn’t have a problem with being comfortable in her own skin (Well, then, why isn’t she taking the plunge and coming out and going full time?)
[Easy, it’s kind of rough to do it without a job, without income, and not really having things set up with a place to stay if she gets booted out of her mom’s house.]

Monday, Christmas Eve 2012 – Mom’s preparing dinner for the family gathering. (At Julie’s sister’s house!)
… And we’re missing a roasting pan to accommodate a good-sized portion of pork loin to roast. (Yeah, Julie Anne left the pan at someone’s house after Thanksgiving. oops!) ^_^;

So… it’s a mad rush to Fry’s down the road from Salon De Julie Anne… Wall to wall people… Not sure if she can find what she’s looking for – A roasting pan, and 16 ounces of Kroger-branded sour cream.

I just about gave up after five minutes, and was about to abandon to head to Dollar General across the street for sour cream…

When I saw it… out there in a display of other stuff, mostly other cookware, out on the main floor or Fry’s…. One roasting pan, still in the box… perhaps the last one in stock? Yeah, after about a minute to think about it, I grabbed it….

And then, a quick trip across the store to the dairy section to get the sour cream, and I was just about frozen, seeing that most of the good stuff was picked over. (Sis isn’t big on Daisy Sour Cream) – Someone else came up, spotted the last three 16 oz. containers, took two for her, and left one for me.

Like I said, it’s the little things… The unexpected miracles, and the kindness of others… (Well, as I played it off with typical guy banter… Yeah, I was in boy-mode again… I’ve gotta stop doing that….)

It’s a start, I guess… The road is still long, but I guess it doesn’t matter, as long as you make up your mind to keep moving forward, even with every setback.

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#61 – Stumbling In The “Pink Fog…”

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First of all, I would like to apologize for the lack of updating as of recent, at least within the last day or two. I’ve been going over some things in my head, for lack of a better term, I’ll call it a “crisis of faith.”

I’ve heard of an expression that’s more or less been adpoted here in the trans community, referred to as the “pink fog” (for girls who want to be boys, it’s known as the “blue fog”) – I think I’ve been in it for quite a bit. I’ve had a bit of a falling out with a friend of mine, in fact, one of the first friends I’ve told about me. He seems to have his reasons why he thinks I dress up. In fact, I get the feeling that he thinks he knows what’s best for me, more than I do.

I felt really terrible on most of the drive home from out of town Saturday night/Sunday morning. I actually considered deleting my entire Flickr account, closing down my blog side, and pulling the plug on my Facebook and Twitter sites – Essentially deleting myself from online. I know that’s an irrational and selfish response, and it wouldn’t benefit anyone, besides myself.

I promised myself I wouldn’t purge, and that goes for virtual purging. I intend to remain an online presence, and hopefully soon, a physical presence, at least beyond my own home or hotel room.

My friend doesn’t care about hearing about what I’m planning to do, feeling that it’s strictly a “fetish”. I’ve resolved never to bring it up in front of him again. One failure, three successes, hopefully.<

I’ve done so much to move forward, in the hopes of learning to love myself, regardless of who I am, that to turn back or “unmake” myself is not possible. The key seems to be achieving some sort balance between both sides of me.

I’m stil moving forward, regardless. Where I end up will determine on where I’m at, and how I feel.

For now, I’m still part-time, and most likely will be for quite some time. It doesn’t make me any less of a person. It doesn’t mean I’m a failure as a man. It means I just have something more than most out there.

Obviously, it won’t help to rush into things. I’ll have more to say about this. I’ve got things to get in motion for the upcoming weekend.

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#39 – A Momentary Lapse Of Reason…

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I’m probably going to catch hell for this, but I have to get this off my chest. I’ve struggled with this for about the past 24 hours.

A friend of mine came up with a theory why I manifest as Julie Anne, citing that I was created as a means to give myself an identity independent from my male alter-ego, and therefore independent from my mother, and if I told her about this side of me, I would lose the desire to continue doing this.

Continue reading #39 – A Momentary Lapse Of Reason… →