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#73 – One Step Closer To The Truth…

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I chimed in a few times to the “Birth Order” blog entry elsewhere on PINKessence, and I’ve heard theories in regards to being born after a miscarriage contributing to making us who we’ve become, or are becoming.

So, earlier tonight, I asked my mother outright, that I felt I was a middle child, since I knew I would have had an older sibling. Technically, I am, and mom regards me as the first born child of two.

However, mother told me, even though it was a tubal miscarriage, wherein my unborn older sibling was only 7-8 weeks old, and the sex wasn’t officially determined (And based off the realization that we all started out female before supposedly receiving the proper hormone wash, in the proper concentration and intervals, that makes most of us male), my sister, who is a bit more spiritually attuned (Perhaps like the real life Allison Dubois, who inspired the “Medium” television series. ^_^; ), felt that I would have had an older sister.

I believe, therefore, my unborn older sister found a way to enter this world — Through me. Perhaps I am who she was supposed to be.

Keep in mind, this is just a theory I have, but it put me a lot more at ease, and seems to explain a lot before me.

I have not asked mother, however, if she was put on DES while she was carrying me. That’s a question I’ll save for another time, perhaps when I’m closer to being ready to tell mom what she probably still knows (That I still dress up as a woman from time to time.), but also why I’m doing it. (Which I’ve never been really able to tell her.)

I have made up my mind earlier today, however – If I end up moving out of California, perhaps in about a year or so, if I can get a job, get my debts paid off, and get a place of my own — I will take steps to get in touch with other TG individuals up there (Why, hello there, Zoe and Sophia! ^_-; ), and also eventually plan to go full-time, at least non-op, if not eventually pre-op.

For now, I’ll remain, as it’s been proposed, and what some people consider themselves as being, “ambigendered.” The boy and the girl are coexisting, and are co-dependent, but someday, the path will be made ready for the girl to take wings and continue the journey started by the boy….

— To be continued, eventually…

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#61 – Stumbling In The “Pink Fog…”

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First of all, I would like to apologize for the lack of updating as of recent, at least within the last day or two. I’ve been going over some things in my head, for lack of a better term, I’ll call it a “crisis of faith.”

I’ve heard of an expression that’s more or less been adpoted here in the trans community, referred to as the “pink fog” (for girls who want to be boys, it’s known as the “blue fog”) – I think I’ve been in it for quite a bit. I’ve had a bit of a falling out with a friend of mine, in fact, one of the first friends I’ve told about me. He seems to have his reasons why he thinks I dress up. In fact, I get the feeling that he thinks he knows what’s best for me, more than I do.

I felt really terrible on most of the drive home from out of town Saturday night/Sunday morning. I actually considered deleting my entire Flickr account, closing down my blog side, and pulling the plug on my Facebook and Twitter sites – Essentially deleting myself from online. I know that’s an irrational and selfish response, and it wouldn’t benefit anyone, besides myself.

I promised myself I wouldn’t purge, and that goes for virtual purging. I intend to remain an online presence, and hopefully soon, a physical presence, at least beyond my own home or hotel room.

My friend doesn’t care about hearing about what I’m planning to do, feeling that it’s strictly a “fetish”. I’ve resolved never to bring it up in front of him again. One failure, three successes, hopefully.<

I’ve done so much to move forward, in the hopes of learning to love myself, regardless of who I am, that to turn back or “unmake” myself is not possible. The key seems to be achieving some sort balance between both sides of me.

I’m stil moving forward, regardless. Where I end up will determine on where I’m at, and how I feel.

For now, I’m still part-time, and most likely will be for quite some time. It doesn’t make me any less of a person. It doesn’t mean I’m a failure as a man. It means I just have something more than most out there.

Obviously, it won’t help to rush into things. I’ll have more to say about this. I’ve got things to get in motion for the upcoming weekend.