#39 – A Momentary Lapse Of Reason…

I’m probably going to catch hell for this, but I have to get this off my chest. I’ve struggled with this for about the past 24 hours.

A friend of mine came up with a theory why I manifest as Julie Anne, citing that I was created as a means to give myself an identity independent from my male alter-ego, and therefore independent from my mother, and if I told her about this side of me, I would lose the desire to continue doing this.

If that is the case, then why is that practically every single day for about the last 14 months, have I….

  • Paid very close attention to how women do their makeup, how they dress, walk, act, etc?
  • Kept harboring an urge to further develop my persona, even down to how I interact with others online, write, do artwork, play games, etc? (I did mention I was playing “Style Savvy” for the Nintendo DS, right? ^_^; )
  • Continued to further refine my makeup (still working on it, it’s never-ending… I keep wanting to acquire more.), the way I dress, act, and adding on to my wardrobe? (I’m always thinking about my next dress, skirt, shoes, perhaps an age-appropriate outfit, etc.)
  • Become increasingly envious of all the costume and outfit choices women have?
  • Become increasingly less fond of being referred to as “sir” when I’m not presenting as Julie Anne?
  • Kept hoping for the eventual day when I’ll meet people I’ve kept correspondence with? (fellow t-girls and admirers alike?)
  • Kept planning for my eventual return to the workforce (Keeping an ultra low profile at work, but hopefully getting away with smoother skin, absence of body hair on arms, etc., perhaps considering getting my ears pierced (Hey, “normal” guys are getting both ears pierced nowadays!), and of course, paying off my remaining bills, saving up enough, and preparing to eventually work my way up to a career/income range where I can finally get out on my own, and have the freedom to be whoever I feel like being, initially in the privacy of my own home, and eventually, outside of it?
  • Felt increasingly awkward and out of place when presenting as male?

At this time in my life, I have no desire to go all the way and close out my male life. I am not considering SRS, but hoping to be a “part time” girl. This is a journey I’ve barely started, getting more courageous since late April 2010, and continuing forward until I find out what sort of answers lay ahead for me. This has been a part of me for over half my life, and a part of me I’ve suppressed for a long, long time. Last summer, I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t keep hiding anymore.

At this point in my life, I am unemployed, I’m desperately looking for a purpose in my life. My life at this moment is essentially a partial “do-over” – I have the opportunity to more or less reinvent myself, hopefully for the better. All I have to look back, other than bits and pieces of victories, achievements in school and work, and acknowledgements of my talents in writing, art, costuming, and makeup, is a growing sense of overall “failure” in following the “path that is expected of me” in the male gender. I am firmly entrenched in middle age, am still living at home with a parental unit, well beyond the age where I should be out on my own, I have never actually dated, or had an actual girlfriend. I’ve had a couple friends joke that I was gay (I think it stemmed back with my preoccupation with a character in an anime parody dub called “This is Otakudom” — A character who kept insisting he wasn’t gay, even though he was a yaoi fan, acted and dressed effeminately (Hey, they used a lot of Fushigi Yuugi footage, and the character was essentially Nuriko), and was rather unfortunately named “Donny Gayeman” ^_^;) – I’ve always suspected one or two of my friends of wanting to “cure” me, even confronting them with it.

I don’t need to be “fixed”, or “cured” – I want to find out the truth, no matter how many times I fuck up, how many setbacks I endure, or how long it may take. I am re-dedicating myself to the “greatest adventure” of my life — Who I am, and what my place is in this world.

So, why did I create a female persona for myself? Why did I take the name I was going to be given if I was born a girl? Why do I post pictures of myself dressed as a woman? Why am I studying how real women look and act, in order to refine myself and become better at passing as one? I’m sure I’ll find the answers in time, and eventually fade away to follow whatever destiny has in store for me.

For now, I continue asking questions, fighting my way to each individual victory, and as always, continuing to seek whatever truth is out there. I am gaining allies, even a few, and I am making myself more visible, even in a small way. Perhaps if I hold out long enough, my time will come. I have to keep believing. I can’t go back and return to the way I was. That way doesn’t work for me any longer.

I will not turn back – I must keep moving forward – I must confront my fears – I must overcome them – I will not acknowledge defeat – Failure, purging, or deleting “myself” are not valid options.

I am who I am… No more excuses, no more apologies. Accept me or leave me. I will survive to continue the journey, regardless.

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